I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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