it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
