you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
