I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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