So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
They have beer where we have blood.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
