I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
