I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
