Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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