I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
