my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
