Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
