You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
