if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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