I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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