I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
