ya dads aren't the best wingmen
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize