I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
