this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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