Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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