I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize