dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize