I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
