Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
