I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
