I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
