i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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