Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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