my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Text me some of your sweat
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