remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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