I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
