I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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