Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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