Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
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