I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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