i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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