I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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