I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
