I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
