I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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