Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
