his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
