genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
