im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Is it because I queefed?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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