Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Is it because I queefed?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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