I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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