you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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