i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
where are you?
Hypothermia
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
