I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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