remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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