How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
