You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
