i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize