I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
