You're my little dorito
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Randomize
