i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
