sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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