Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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