I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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