Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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