Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize