i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
