I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
